Professional Opinion: Death is Preferable to Dinner for Two on this Valentines Day

If you have a “someone”, and you have reservations for dinner this upcoming Saturday, for the love of G-d do yourselves a favor, save your relationship and cancel them immediately.

Of all the busy restaurant holidays (New Years Eve, Mother’s Day, etc.), Valentine’s Day is by far the most miserable and unpleasant, by the perspective of both the restauranteer and the patron. Nobody goes out to dinner on Valentine’s Day because they want to, they go out because they feel obligated, in that “Shit, I’m screwed if I don’t take her/him/whatever to an expensive restaurant” kind of way. Couples typically walk into restaurants on that evening already miserable, and I can assure you the mood doesn’t improve after they have to wait over an hour for their table after the scheduled reservation. The staff is completely overwhelmed and consequently, the service is always sub-par. The kitchen is likewise overwhelmed, so the food too will, well, basically suck. And after you finally receive a table after a ridiculously long wait, your waiter will be under strict orders to rush you to make room for the dozens of angry couples who will be breathing down the maitre di’s neck.

When Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, the result is an unbelievably wretched dining experience. Waiting tables on that evening in 1998 was the worst night of my life, and I’ve been dreading this upcoming Saturday for the past seven years. On that evening in ’98, fellow coworkers were taking turns opening the back door to kitchen and vomiting in the alley (and not for the typical reasons, i.e. heroin or alcohol detox; but out of pure stress alone). When I was finally able to leave, with almost no money in my pocket (average tip that evening: 5%), my roommate, who worked in another restaurant, told me how a woman who waited for a table for over two hours, had fallen from exhaustion and split her head open in the crowded restaurant’s lobby. The EMT’s had a great deal of difficulty attending the woman because the other angry patrons surrounding her refused to move.

It’s not often that I’m able to give anybody practical advise, but on this one subject, please trust me and postpone your reservations until later in the week.

Now, I you happen to live near Baltimore, and happen to be looking for a suitable alternative, I recommend the artists’ reception for Death: group exhibition of work by 14 area artists at Area 405. I was talking to one of the 405 guys last week and he told me all the artists were from the DC area (Sigh, I suppose the word “area” is relative). Still, Area 405 always puts on top rate not for profit professional exhibitions. Sadly, I won't be able to attend, as I'll be far too busy vometing in an alley.

Thinking going to an art exhibition about death is a bit macabre for Valentine’s Day? Nonsense! You’ll love it.