E.Evans journal #4

You can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

Happy Independence Day!

Lynden sat at the bar, sipping his pint. He was early. Roger had told him that he would meet him at six. Lynden was not used to these hours. Working in the banquet business, he was more accustomed to arriving at the bars much closer to midnight.

Nonetheless, the bar was already fairly crowded. It was Halloween, and many of the guys dressed up and come out early. Being from South Africa, and relatively new to the States, Lynden was not accustomed to Halloween, and found the whole idea odd but bemusing. Typically, queens that dressed up irritated Lynden. They were not his kind of fellow. But it was a festival day to these Americans, and some of the costumes were creative and charming. He had chosen to tone down his own judgmental ire, have an extra whisky, and enjoy the spectacle of the evening. Roger would arrive soon, and what did it matter if these American fellows camped it up a bit.

He had been dating Roger for nearly 2 months, which was a very long time for Lynden. It had been nearly two years since He had a relationship that lasted longer than a weekend. He hadn’t been in a serious relationship for nearly two years, not since Stuart first brought him to Baltimore from London, where they had first met. That relationship had left a sour taste in his mouth, and recently Lynden preferred the company of men whose last names was a mystery to him … and sometimes their first names as well.

But Roger was different. He was young and successful, younger than himself in fact. Not yet 30, and already a financial consultant for the largest brokerage firms in the city. He had worldliness and an ambition that many of these Baltimore fellows seemed to lack. So many of these gents seemed like a reject from one of those John Waters films. The vast majorities were loud, flamboyant and crass, and lacked maintaining Lynden’s attention for more than the hours that were necessary. With Roger, Lynden could imagine building something. What they could build … it was too early to say? But Lynden felt as though good tidings were in store for the two of them in the future.

As Lynden was finishing his drink, he felt a finger tap him on the shoulder. He turned around to see a man in full leather regalia, his eyes masked behind a black plastic eye mask, metal studded and looking positively absurd smiling at him. “Um … sorry mate, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. I’m waiting for a friend” said Lynden, as he turned around to avoid this irritating figure.

“Lynden … it’s me, Roger!” Said the leather figure.

Shocked, Lynden responded “What are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?! You look like a complete fool!”

“Oh, lighten up,” Roger chuckled as he lifted his mask and leaned in to the bar next to Lynden, “It’s Halloween. You’re supposed to dress this way.”

Lynden thought about this for a second and agreed to himself that he was being too uptight. After all, this is what Americans do on Halloween, right. He had decided to not feel so self conscious and to just enjoy himself.

“Hey … and look what the costume came with” Roger said as he bulled a chord out from his leather vest pocket.

“What is that?” Lynden asked.

“It’s a dog leash” Roger responded he hooked the metal clamp on the end to the studded collar around his neck.

“Roger, that looks so ridiculous” Lynden said, shaking his head.

“Oh, its fun. Here hold the leash.”

“I don’t want to hold that thing.”

“Will you stop being such a spoil sport. Here … hold it!”

Lynden reluctantly held the leash. “See, is that so bad?” Asked Roger. Lynden thought to himself, he felt like a total fool … and it was kind of fun to feel like a fool. He chuckled and shook his head.

“Now,” Roger said as he lowered the eye mask “repeat after me. You’ve been a baaaaaad doggie.”

“I’m not going to …”

“Just say it! Lighten up”

“Alright … you’ve been a bad doggie” Lynden faintly responded while rolling his eyes.

“Say it like you mean it.” Roger said, shaking his head in disapproval.

“You’ve been a bad doggie.” Lynden responded, this time more forcibly. Roger responded by jumping down on his hands and knees and began to bark rather loudly. Lynden just sat on his barstool, leash in hand, too shocked and too embarrassed to say a word.

“I’ve been a veeeery bad doggie.” Roger barked “I’ve made a mess on the floor and you have to roll up a paper and bop me on the nose. Woooof! Wooof.”

Roger was no longer kidding.

Lynden could not possibly imagine what could make this situation even worse. This was one of the more respectable gay bars in town, and even for a Halloween night, Roger’s behavior was unsettling to the other patrons, who were now giving Lynden and Roger a wide birth.

“Lynden … is that you?” he heard from behind his back. Still with the dog leash in his hand, Lynden turned around to see ten of his coworkers standing in the doorway, too shocked to laugh at him.

The next night, Lynden would back at the other bars, meeting men whom he had no intention of ever learning their last names.

“Wooof! Wooof! Hhhheeee Hhhheeeee.”