Two months ago: the Blaster Worm infected my system LONG AFTER I had downloaded and installed the appropriate patch. I downloaded the patch again and everything was fine.

One month ago, my system came to a crashing halt. Nothing I did would get the system running again. As I had no internet access to correct whatever virus had hit my system, I went out and bought the most expensive antivirus money could buy and it was totally useless. Blaster was back, the antivirus could see that, but refused to fix it.

Okay, so I took it to the shop. Lucky me, I was one of the very first people to be hit with the Sassar virus a mere few hours after it started to reek its havoc. (“Patches, we no got no stinking patches” I imagined them mocking me in ridiculously bad Mexican accents, as my imagination has a really bad Mexican accent) I paid the shop EXTRA for a very special clean up.

Now there was no way I was going to let this happen again. I bought antivirus programs for antivirus programs, built firewalls on the backs of a million Qin Dynasty workers to keep those Mandarin Worm fuckers out. I had counter spyware spying on counter spyware and window washers spying on them. I had sexy slavic intelligence gatherers sleeping with Virus Marines stationed at Virus Consulates across Eastern Europe. I sponsored several military coups in favor of fascist antivirus dictatorships in strategic at risk countries and contributed to the deaths of millions of development nation peasants in the name of antivirus world stability.

“Check for Windows updates every week” they said, I checked every day. “Run a full diagnostic with your antivirus every day” they said, I virtually had a diagnostic running in perpetuity on a back window for every minute I spent on the computer.

And what did I get in return? More bleeping f’in viruses and worms!

I’m ready to become one of those Stepford Wives harpy Mac drones. I’m going get me one of those Macintushies and a matching Volkswagen Beetle (same wretched Teletubbyesque color! ...And shape!) After I sever all ties to my PC using family, I’m going to sell all of my belongings, don a apple speckled sari, hang out in airports, shake a tambourine in your faces, and beg for dollars so I can buy more itunes that I can firewire right into my computer AND Beetle console (right next to that adorable little flower vase!), all the while chanting “Stevie ... Stevie Wozniak, Stevie ... !!”

Then, I’m going drive my Beetle across country on a San Francisco pilgrimage to the Apple shrine where I’ll sacrifice babies and engage in lewd acts with seals.

Screw Free Will, I just want the comfort of a surrogate family and A WORKING COMPUTER!!!!

Who am I kidding. I’m already halfway there. This AppleWorks Word Processor sucks. I want my Microsoft Word back. *Sniffle*

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