My body has recently taken it upon itself, without once consulting me on the matter, to become violently allergic to latex. If I wear latex gloves, painful itchy swollen welts break out all over my hands. If I put on an elastic bandage, two disfiguring scratchy splotches will appear on either side of whatever cut I’m trying to heal.

The ramifications that this situation puts on my social life are obnoxiously obvious, so there is no need for me to be graphic here. Suffice to say, I am now effectively allergic to casual sex.

Why couldn’t by body decide to become allergic to milk? There are pills for that, and with careful consideration I could still eat pizza. Why not make me allergic to my cat? I could throw him out the window. Doesn’t my body know that I’m not psychologically mature enough to get to the stage in a relationship where I’m expected to know the last name of a woman, much less get past the latex stage?

Fuck you, body.

Personally, I think this is an example of the biological imperative playing out in my frame. In much the same way that a germ will mutate to circumnavigate an antibiotic, my body has mutated in an attempt to circumnavigate latex, and that sucks. Well, it sucks and it’s not going to happen. I will not procreate. A friend of mine’s girlfriend and mother to his baby is also allergic to latex, so he got the snip. I can’t say that I’m emotionally prepared to go that far, but even that is preferable to having children.

The other night I was hanging out with a married couple. We all spent the night making jokes about my latex allergy. A few hours later, after we all had quite a few drinks and changes in the conversation topic, the female of the two said to me, “Aw Adam. I want to set you up with someone.” I snapped back to her, “Well I guess you’re going to have to now that I’m allergic to latex!”

I could imagine how she would try to talk me up to any poor woman whom she wanted to set me up with. “Hey I know a thirty something man child who has spent his entire adult life doing everything in his power to avoid a meaningful relationship. He’s recently become allergic to latex, and realized that if there was any chance of him ever getting any action again, he would have to bite the bullet and get into something that remotely resembles a relationship. Do you want his phone number? Oh yeah, you are on the pill, aren’t you?”

click images to enlarge

only shot from artscape that i bothered to save, and only because of the goofy look on the guy's face

hey monkey and seadragon over sushi last night

texture slut's head ... I also had a shot of epiphany, but it was out of fucus

also not pictured, curious lee and family who left before I pulled out my camera. It was great to meet them, as curiouslee was the first baltimore blog i ever came accross