I know, I know. You don’t come here to read my opinions about wifi or technology or computers or anything else that, when it comes down to it, I basically don’t understand. Computers or technology or wifi or anything else that involves ones or zeros are definitely filed under the category of “things I don’t really know crap about.” I write about filth. I understand filth. I’m surrounded by filth. I like filth. Filth amuses me. Filth has always been kind to me. Filth doesn’t mind me sharing my impressions of him or her or whatever filth is. If you ever visit this site, I’m guessing that you either know me, or to one degree or another, you too are amused by filth.

Far be it for me to fail to give you what you want. Today I defer the filth duties of this page to a filth master, eurotrash. Her filth is wonderful, and puts my filth to shame. He writing makes my writing look like ... well, badly written filth. Go figure?

this is eurotrash. Photo by Jake Dobkin.

Here is her biographical sketch from wysiwygtalentshow.org, a New York organization devoted to hosting live performances from, of all ghastly things, bloggers:

“With her resolutely unmanicured nails and stubborn insistence on pubic hair, Eurotrash has been disgusting the righteous bachelors of New York City since her arrival two-and-a-half years ago. Among her most revolting habits are the tendency to brandish (unused) tampons in public and discuss the finer points of picking one's nose and eating the bogies. Parachuted into New York as an evil capitalist oppressor, Eurotrash formerly worked as a journalist, burnt-file salvager and bakery assistant. Originally from London via Belgium, Ireland and Canada, she stood as her school's Communist Party candidate in mock general elections in 1983, and managed to come third, beating the Labour Party in the process. It was probably her finest moment.”

Anyway, if you have broadband (there I go talking about crap I don’t understand again), watch this clip of her discussing the finer points of European porn, the very first time a boy tried to make love with her pooper and other lovely gems.

The Clip.

I’ve never been to Europe, I know nothing about European porn. Nobody has ever tried to make sweet sweet love to my pooper. My filth is unworthy.

Anyway, back to writing about crap that I don’t really understand.

A few months ago my desktop pc was ravaged and destroyed by viruses, worms, Trojan horses, Huns, terrorists, anarchists and I suspect Southerners. You say one nasty thing about Shelby Foote and those crackers want to kill you. Okay, I’ve never actually said anything nasty about Shelby Foote, I’ve only thought nasty things about Shelby Foote, that poetically tongued revisionist Confederate apologist skum-fuck (but do have to admit he did have a handsome beard). Don’t think those Southerners can’t hear me. They’re whiley, and we’re surrounded by them around here.

But I’m getting off point here. Like I was saying, my computer fried and I had to get a new one. I chose a mac portable because macs are less susceptible to viruses and Southerners, AND I really really wanted a portable computer. And the verdicts for my choice; I hate OS X and can’t figure out how to use the fucker, I’m happy that I no longer have viruses, and I love love love love love love wifi.

Wifi is the best thing to come around since coin operated peep shows, except wifi is usually free. My life has been transformed by wifi, as God knows I’m too cheap to pay for my own cable modem. That would cut into my drinking budget. I’ve been roaming around Baltimore like a digital shirpa, seeking enlightenment and a strong “free” wifi signal. These are the places I’ve been spending my free time of late:

XS. A mondo trendy sushi/breakfast all day/jungle playing/bar where all the men who work there seem to have been hired by Elton John, if you get my drift. Breakfast is cheap and the staff likes me for some reason.

Port City Java. A franchise coffee place on Ford avenue in Locust Point. The coffee is fine there, but I have a strong suspicion that the staff knew I was downloading porn the last time I was in there a couple of months ago. I haven’t returned, or downloaded porn in a public place, since.

Kiss Cafe. Coffee house/bar on Boston Street in Canton. The coffee is dreck and I suspect the staff is suspicious of me since they mistakened my wallpaper for sadomasochistic porn. I’ll be going back there.

The Charles Theatre. The indy-poppy MICA student body staff installed a router for themselves, but don’t mind if you use it to. But, of course, the coffee sucks and I can’t imagine hanging around a movie theater without watching a movie. I only used it once, and watched Before Sunset while I was there. It was lovely, by the way. Ahhhhh, Julie Delpy.

... and, for the past two weeks, my place of employ has become a wifi hotspot, which is wonderful, as I usually have at least two hours of downtime, and no other access to a computer while at work. So now, just like all of you, I get to piss away my time at the office on the internet, only I do it wearing a tuxedo.

... and, as of sometime yesterday, my apartment!! As long as I stick my computer on top of the radiator by the window in my living room, I can pick up between three to seven signals! An IT friend of mine from the neighborhood assured me a month ago, that in September, when all the students returned to the neighborhood, Mt. Vernon would effectively become a giant wifi hotspot. And I’ll be damned if he wasn't right.

click to enlarge

My shirpa days are over. No longer do I have to roam the city looking for free wifi, I can just mooch it off my neighbors.

That's all I have to say about wifi. I just wanted you all to know that Mt. Vernon is ALL wifi, baby!

Now, back to the regular scheduled filth. Today’s second installment of filth is again from an outside source. Also a New York bloggess, I discovered this film clip of Jessy Delfino from the same show as eurotrash.

Bio:

“Jessica Delfino is a stand-up comic and writer of dark, paradoxical jokes, stories and songs who performs all around NYC, has written for MTV, Comedy Central and Cartoon Network, and has done stand-up on "Good Morning America." JANE Magazine gave her CD "Dirty Folk Rock" three and a half cookies out of four (which is more than they gave Norah Jones and she's famous!) She also won the stoned spelling bee in Brooklyn, and Wil Wheaton called some of her writings "the funniest thing he ever read" and linked her to his famous blog, which excites her to no end because she used to make out with his poster when she was 11.”

This clip is hilarious and even filthier than eurotrash.

The clip.

Adam doesn't actually hate Southerners. He's just a little "touched". He knows many fine Southerners. But he wasen't lying about Shelby Foote, that lyin' cracker!