For the remainder of the week I’m going to try to post daily as sort of a little experiment to see if I have anything interesting enough to say every single say. We’ll see.

***

Tonight, I’m going to carry out my election day tradition of parking my ass on a bar stool, stare at a television, and scream at states as I become more and more shit-faced as the exit polls come in. I have no idea who is going to win, and refuse to make a prediction due to superstitious reasons, but one thing that is certain is that there will be plenty of states for me to yell at. Throughout this post I’m going to interject previews of my behavior tonight.

*approximately 9 pm: “Go fuck yourself, Virginia!”*

This weekend, I was at a loss trying to figure out the cheesiest way commemorate halloween in a distinctively cheesy Baltimore sort of a way. Luckily, my friend Joe was taking his family on a tour of the Edgar Allen Poe Museum and burial site and was kind enough to let me tag along.

Afterwards, when we arrived at work, he zinged me by telling our coworkers that he took me and his six year old stepson out on a field trip, that I was on my best behavior, only needed two time outs, and was rewarded with a happy meal.

Ha Ha! Lets see who’s laughing when I photocopy these pictures of you and your lady’s pink purse and tape them all over the work place tomorrow:

For halloween, the Poe Museum hired an actor to do a dramatic reading of The Tell-Tale Heart. We and approximately six other people were crammed into the tiny back bedroom to watch the performance. Halfway through, as the actor trying his best to channel the spirit of Poe, a woman’s cell phone rang. The ringer was set to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing”, blaring at the loudest setting, and buried so deeply in her bag that it seemed to take an eternity for her to dig it out and turn it off. I was trying SO HARD not to laugh.

*approximately 10 pm “What kind of faggot ass bitch would want to live in Nebraska anyway!”*

The burial site was gory and cool and I had fun teaching the six year old how to jump up and down on dead people, much to his parent’s irritation.

Afterwards, we walked over to Lexington Market, where I ordered a soft crab sandwich at Faidley’s, basically so I could explain to the six year old how they cut off the crab’s eyes while they’re still alive before the deep fat fryer.

*approximately 12 am, slurred. “You can take your potatoes, and you know what you can do with them, Idaho!”*

By one or two am, I’ll be too drunk to slur or articulate anything, and will more than likely spend the night sleeping in an alley.

***

shots of Edgar Allen Poe Museum, Burial Site and Faidley’s at Lexington Market:

03:50 PM | Permalink

Comments

Envy this post, words and photos capture exactly what I love about Baltimore. Thanks

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2004 08:11 PM

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