If you’re not reading extraheavymarcellus, you should.

This is not an excerpt. This is an entire post:

While walking my dog today in the "Little Park", the part of Patterson Park bounded by Pratt, Linwood, Elwood and Eastern Avenues, I saw a very drunk Latino man take a crap by a tree. Another guy about my age walking his dog screamed at the guy for dropping a loaf in the open. The Latino guy looked at the dude and casually walked over to the doggie bag dispenser, grabbed a Santoni's bag and picked up his pile all with the pants around his ankles. He nicely dropped the bag in a trash can and wandered on giving the yuppie walker the finger with drunken glee. He never did pull his pants back up.

I simply can’t hold a candle to material this good.