Festering boils on my ass can’t stop me from writing this post. Not even two of them. Not one on my left cheek that would make it impossible for me to sit down. Not even one on my right cheek that would make it impossible for me to lie on my back. That’s right, I’ve spent the past week felled by one of the most embarrassing ailments known to man, BOILS!

I alluded to this a couple of posts ago. It also explains my uncharacteristically nasty deposition in my last post when I said that anyone who voted for a president who intends to ‘purge’ the Central Intelligence Agency of all it’s radical commie liberals (the CIA, liberals, ha!) who don’t think the administration’s foreign policy is anything less than brilliant, was an asshole. Although I admittedly do think that way, I usually try to be a little more polite towards the dipshits individuals on the other side of the political spectrum. So, for that, I apologize. I swear it was the boils speaking.

Fear not, I won’t share any disgusting details that would cause you curl up in a corner crying for your mommy. I’m currently on the mend, and some of the less disgusting details of my past week’s unenviable condition are simply TOO FUNNY not to share. Such as having to decide which would be more humiliating, taping gauze on my bum to dress my wounds, or just taking the easy way out and wearing Depends undergarments. In the end, I decided taping gauze to my arse was ever so slightly less dehumanizing than wearing grown-up diapers, which leads me to:

The ever so delicate art of taping giant gauze pads to both of your buttocks without looking like you’re carrying a giant doodey in your pants.

step 1. Purchase 9 inch by 5 inch surgical dressings.
step 2. Tape one pad to each butt cheek. Make sure that you can sit down without the taping being too tight, but not so loose that you look like you are carrying a big doodey. Take special care to make sure you have taped all the way around the dressing, so as to avoid any unsightly rough edges.
step 3. Put on a pair of tight fitting boxer briefs to pad down the dressing.
step 4. Over the boxer briefs, put on a thick pair of cotton boxers to further mask the unusual bulkedge.
step 5. Over the dressing, boxer briefs, and boxer shorts, put on a thick pair of denim jeans.

If steps 1,2,3,4, and 5 have carried out successfully, not only will you have appropriately dressed hiney wounds, but for the first time in your life you will have the appearance of actually having a full well shaped bum (if you already have a well shaped ass, or a big ass, you’re screwed).

Just in case you have not done as capable a job masking your condition as you think, I HIGHLY recommend wearing a long shirt or sweater, just in case.

A couple of nights ago, after I was feeling a little better, I decided to celebrate the fact that I could actually sit down and not spend my entire day convalescing on my stomach or in a bath tub. I taped up my rear end right good and headed out to the pub to hang out with friends who were oblivious as to why they haven’t seen me for the better part of a week. While at the pub I ran into an *ahem* friend that I made a couple of weeks ago, whose company I had *ahem* enjoyed greatly. I know, I know, it is against my self imposed rules to discuss my *ahem* life here, but come on, I’m talking boils on my ass, so obviously all the rules of propriety are out the window here.

Anyway, this *ahem* friend is a very intelligent, creative, engaging and interesting female. I honestly do enjoy talking to her. She and I were laughing, kidding, chatting and basically ‘clicking’ again. Eventually, the friends with whom she was hanging out were ready to leave, and she asked “We’re heading over to such and such’s house, what is on your agenda?”

This, of course, led me to fast forward in my imagination and consider where this could possibly lead. As I honestly don’t know his *ahem* friend well enough to be able to explain (if such a situation developed) “Um, uh, actually, I have giant surgical dressings duct-taped to both of my buttocks. You see, I have boils. But I really like you, so can I have a rain check for next week? What do you think?”

Acknowledging, the impossibility of my crappy situation, I said to her “Um, I think I’m just going to hang out here for a little while.” Surprised, she responded “Oh... okay... all right. I guess I’ll see you later.” and then, literally extended her hand out to actually shake my hand goodbye as though I had expressed a tsunami of non-interest. Of course, I rejected the handshake, shook my head and kissed her on the cheek goodbye.

After she left I walked out into the street, and much like Charlton Heston did at the end of Planet of the Apes, and screamed at the gods for cursing me with these fucking boils. Okay, I actually didn’t do that, but I sure as hell wanted to.