The negative:

In the past three weeks, I’ve had two separate colds and now have the flu. While the rest of you have been suffering colds and flues, and building up antibodies against them, my body has depended on the alcohol that has perpetually been pumping through my bloodstream to keep the nasties away. I have not had a cold or a flu in over a decade. Sure, I had a nasty bout of festering boils a few months ago, and a case of mono at the embarrassingly late age of twenty-nine; but otherwise, I’ve been germ free. Now, with an immune system ten years behind in the curve, I’m picking up every sniffle, cough, sneeze, fever, etc., that I’ve come within 100 yards of.

Of course, the medical establishment would probably argue that I’m full of shit on this one, and they would probably be right, but I’m holding firm on the perhaps superstitious belief that the hooch has been behind my ten years of relative germ free existence.

The positives:

1. Although I’m a relatively bony-assed skinny son of a bitch, over the past couple of years I have developed a little bit of a paunch. Not so much of one that anyone would notice if I was wearing a shirt, but in the nude it is pretty evident.

Yesterday, I walking around my apartment naked (as I often do) and walked past a large mirror in the living room. I caught a glimpse of ass naked profile and noticed that the miniature Buddha was gone. I double checked. Inhaled... exhaled. No doubt about it, the gut is as flat as a board... AND I’ve gained five pounds! With absolutely no exorcize whatsoever, my flab is turning back into tone all by itself.

2. (Mom, you should really consider NOT READING ANY FURTHER!!!) Just by abstaining from alcohol, I’ve been able to accomplish what men in the far east are willing to grind up and consume rhinoceros horns, gorilla testicles and sparrow dung to accomplish. Not that I was exactly in the market for little blue pills or anything, but what I’ve got going on here is far more congruous with my teenage years than my early thirties. THIS ALONE should be proper motivation to never drink again. Like I was telling the guys at work the other day, I’m half convinced that I could drill through granite without using any power tools.

So, after measuring the pros and the cons of this new state of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that my immune system will eventually catch up, the disappearing flab is a definite plus, and if I ever find myself tempted to have a drink in the future, all I have to do is repeat to myself like a mantra, over and over and over again, “You can drill though granite... You can drill through granite.”