So the neighbors in the apartment next door FINALLY installed a nonsecure wireless broadband internet router. Sheesh! It took them long enough. I was totally getting tired of sticking my computer halfway out my living room window to get a wifi signal. If only there was a way to receive a reliable consistent broadband signal in my apartment without relying on the nonsecure routers of others? (shish! I’m thinking.)

So yes, I’m a wifi mooch. I’d go to the trouble of getting my own broadband, but in my defense, I’m a bit of a fuck up. That’s sort of “my thing.” It’s not so much of a cheap thing as it is a lazy thing that renders me incapable of taking care of my own internet bid’ness. Besides, as it has always stood in the past, to get broadband in my apartment would involve establishing a landline phone (which I don’t need) or purchasing cable (which I don’t want), which would double the price I would have to pay. No thank you.

My sister was in town over the holidays and she was shocked (and I mean SHOCKED!) that she had read on my web page that I was stealing (and I mean STEALING!) from other people’s wireless routers. As she was setting up my mother’s new wireless router, she was very careful to articulate the point that she was setting it up in such a way to make it impossible for her neighbors to steal (and I mean STEAL!) her broadband, like the way I was stealing (and I mean STEALING!) my neighbor’s broadband.

First of all, my mother has recently become what is known as an urban pioneer. Her neighbors know how to steal cars, electricity and phone service; but, have yet to learn how to steal wireless internet. I’m not totally convinced her neighbors even know what the internet is.

Besides, I’m not stealing my neighbor’s wireless internet; they’re sharing it with me. When you purchase and set up a wireless network, a window pops up on your computer screen that asks you “Would you like to password protect your wireless network?” which is followed by two buttons; one marked with a “yes” and the other with a “no.” I can only assume that those who chose “no” did so because they wanted their internet to be open to whoever wanted to use it; because they, like me, like the idea of a universe of open internet. If they those “no” because they did not want to share their internet with the universe, I can only assume that they are idiots and I should be “stealing” their internet out of principle. If you don’t want your neighbors sharing your broadband, than password protect it, it’s that simple. Take, for example, my neighbor who does not want to share his internet whose network is titled “UGETNONE.” Not only is his broadband protected, but he also gets to mock me every time I check for wireless signals. Yes, it stings a little bit and I can appreciate his mockery.

It’s not like I’m some hacker computer genius busting through your firewalls or anything. My computer has a cheap $20 wifi card, which is pretty much standard issue on any laptop computer sold nowadays. When the computer comes into range of an open wireless internet signal, a window pops up basically asking, “Dude! Free internet. You want?”, so I click on the box that says “Duh? No brainer.”

Unfortunately, when one is using their neighbors’ shared internet, one does not necessarily receive the strongest signal, and the micro-hotspots in one’s apartment can bounce around a little bit. I’ve in the past found it necessary to sit on the toilet to get a strong enough signal. For the majority of the winter, I’ve kept my computer on top of a blazing hot radiator, sticking my computer halfway out a window to receive a fairly weak signal. For the past week or so, as I stated in the first paragraph, I’ve been receiving a blazing fast, super strong signal from my next door neighbors. For what it is worth, the signal is only blazing fast and super strong if I place the computer on the floor in my foyer.

Thus, this is a photograph of my current “workstation”:

a. cracks in the front door, through which blazing fast, super strong wifi signals emit.
b. the computer, receiving said wifi signals.
c. pillows. making “workstation” extra comfy.
d. cigarettes. because I’m hideously addicted to nicotine.
e. coffee. because I’m hideously addicted to caffeine.
f. body moisturizer. because I suffer hideously from dry skin. *ahem* (hi mom!)

Now, my apartment is situated on the top floor of a hundred foot tall 19th century tenement, which itself sits on top of a hill overlooking all of Mt. Vernon. The roof of my building is a favorite place for wireless companies to install giant powerful wireless towers. This is partially a bad thing because I will ultimately die a slow painful death from brain cancer, but that’s okay because the zoning commission has decided me dying of brain cancer is an acceptable consequence in the pursuit of wireless communication. But it is also a good thing because I never have to worry about getting a wireless signal on my cell phone.

Now, the other day I was surfing the internet, comfortably nestled in my “workstation”, when two feet away outside my apartment door, my building manager was having a conversation with a representative from a wireless internet company who was about to install a giant tower to provide all of Mt. Vernon with high speed wireless internet. She was asking the representative if it was possible for people to “steal” service from his internet company, as neighbors apparently had been complaining that people in the building were stealing from their wireless routers (it’s not STEALING, you fuck twits! if you’re too stupid to password protect your routers, you deserve to loose a little broadband. I’ve been working under the assumption that you were not idiots and that you were being generous. Sorry that I was mistaken.) He explained to her how it was not possible, blah blah blah, that to use his service, people would have to provide credit card information, blah blah blah.

So there you have it, as of a couple of days ago, my brain started getting blasted with copious amounts of cancerous wifi radiation. I’ve checked the signal, and it is beautifully strong. For only $24.99 a month (a fair price, if you ask me), I can end the vicious cycle of my life of crime. Without the necessity of installing either a landline phone or cable, I’ll become so legit that I’ll be too legit to quit. Whether I’m in cooking in the kitchen, sitting on the toilet, or moisturizing in bed, I’ll be receiving an honest respectable wireless signal.

I’ll be doing the MC Hammer dance across the living room floor. Of course, I won’t be wearing the big pants, or any pants for that matter, as I’ll be in my apartment. So of course I’ll be butt naked, because that’s what I do. But now I’ll be doing it with a clear conscience.

*even though I used the term "legal" in this post, my actions have always been 100% legal in regards to wifi. So the word "stealing" has been bullshit from the start.
**I actually started writing this post a couple of days ago. while writing it, my building manager and the wifi guy happened to have that conversation outside my apartment door. Just thought you would like to know.