I’m not sure how exactly I should go about sharing this. I’m not even sure that I should share this. It really happened, but the story involves many references to pornography. Not that I mind discussing pornography. It’s just that I feel the content around here has been a little heavy in the pornography department, or at least heavy in the use of images of industrial sized moisturizer. But the situation I’m talking about is rather dependent on an open discussion of porn.

Earlier this week, on a particularly slow night at work, one of my coworkers had brought in a DVD of Brazilian porn that a girlfriend of his had given him. He and a couple of my coworkers had mentioned that they watch the DVD later in the evening. In all honesty, I wasn’t paying very close attention to them. Watching porn with other men isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I’ve always felt that one’s relationship with their porn; whether it’s F, FM, FF, FFM, FFMM, or FFFFFFFFFFF, is a very personal relationship. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic.

Besides, I’m not a huge fan of Brazilian porn anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against Brazilian porn. But if you’ve seen one movie of a round butted brown woman with a black dude pool side under a palm tree, you’ve seen it a thousand times. They all just seem the same to me. I don’t hate it like I hate asian porn, or more specifically, Japanese porn (that is one twisted culture). I find American porn generally silly. If a woman has a cursive tattoo that says “Harley-Davidson” on her tit, don’t put her in a plaid skirt and pigtails and try to pass her off as a coed. I know a biker whore when I see one. Now, I’ve heard a lot of bad things about German porn. I won’t get into the specifics of what exactly I’ve heard people say; but, I have as of yet, never seen an example of twisted German porn. All the German porn I’ve seen has had excellent production values. They use top rate film equipment, seem to spend a great deal on sets, and their period piece costuming rivals anything coming out of Hollywood. They seem to put the same care and professionalism in their porn production that they do into their automotive engineering. And I have to say, I commend them for their commitment to quality. Plus, German women are just plain beautiful.

Now, as I was saying, I was at work the other night, it was particularly slow, coworkers’ were planning on watching Brazilian porn, I had forgotten that they were talking about it, etc...

As the night was coming to an end, and I had changed into my street clothes and was preparing to leave, I headed towards the computer room to grab my bag and my laptop which is an ibook G4 (an important detail). When I walked into the room, ALL of my coworkers were in there. The homosexual coworkers were innocently finishing up their paperwork, and the heterosexual coworkers were all huddled around an ibook G4 watching a porn movie.

I of course, made the immediate assumption that they had pulled out my computer and accessed my porn file. Shocked and feeling extremely violated, I stormed into the middle of the huddled crowd and slammed the laptop shut.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” one of my coworkers growled at me.

“What the fuck am I doing?! What the fuck are you doing!?” I snapped back.

As he and I locked horns and gnashed our teeth, the rusty little gears in my head began to turn, and I remembered that the said coworker and I owned the exact same computer. I reached over to my bag, and felt that my laptop was safely tucked away, just as I had left it.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” I apologized, quickly opening his laptop before I backed out of the crowd of angry Brazilian porn watchers.

“What the fuck!? Now you’ve lost our place!” he exclaimed.

“Oh don’t worry,” I replied, “it has a slow processor. It’ll take a few seconds, but will start again just where you left it (he doesn’t understand his own computer very well). I explained that I had thought they were watching my porn, we all had a good laugh, slapped one another on our backs and said our goodnights.

It’s a good thing when you and your coworkers all understand one another.