Hey everybody, we have big news to share with you from the eebmore offices. Starting immediately, we have a new member joining our staff. I would like to introduce you all to my new headmast alter ego, Mr. Schnozzle.

We’re going to have a lot of fun with Mr. Schnozzle. He’s going to be like our very own Mr. Potato Head, but with an uncanny resemblance to my own nose. We’re going to dress him up in different outfits to reflect the seasons, holidays and different news and media topics that match my fancy at any given time. Hell, we might even dress him up like a woman from every now and then.

You may be wondering why I’ve decided to make such a drastic change to the staffing here at eebmore. Well... to tell you the truth, ever since I had to give up alcohol, my wildly self-destructive decision making process has been brought under control, which has dried up the vast majority of my material. Fearful that this web page would degenerate into an excuse for me to antagonize religious people, I knew I was going to have to make some serious changes if there was any chance of me keeping eebmore even remotely entertaining.

Luckily, I met Mr. Schnozzle during my very brief relationship with the Alcoholics Anonymous organization. He had been attending meetings under court order due to a severe Vicks addiction and has been living in a halfway home on North Avenue for the past several months. Instantly recognizing the resemblance between my nose and himself, I asked him if he would be interested in joining our team. He told me to shove that idea in a certain place that propriety doesn’t allow me to share with you.

It’s a good thing that his probation officer saw things a little bit differently. Thanks to the Maryland Department of Corrections; whether Mr. Schnozzle likes it or not, now I posses a work voucher guaranteeing his employment at eebmore, inc.

I’ve been so excited about our new edition, that I even began to write a biographical sketch for him. It's based on a Norwegian joke a cousin shared with me when I was eight years old.

Many years ago, on a beautiful autumn night, St. John’s Lutheran Church of southern Minnesota hosted a barn dance for it’s largely Norwegian congregation. A young couple named Ollie and Leena, who were very much in love, attended the barn dance.

Nine months later, a beautiful eleven pound baby Mr. Schnozzle was born.....

I asked Mr. Schnozzle what he thought of the biographical sketch I had written for him. He grumbled and muttered something about being Italian and never even visiting Minnesota. I just waved the work voucher in his face and told him to shut up and put the derby and Groucho Marx glasses on.

Man, I like being the boss.

Anyway, everyone say hi and welcome Mr. Schnozzle to the eebmore team!