Earlier this week I woke up and found this chinese delivery flier shoved under my door:

Not a big deal, right? Perhaps it isn’t a big deal but I do feel a little peeved about it. These fliers are not left by food delivery men, they won’t enter apartment buildings in my neighborhood. It has something to do with being robbed or something. I’m not exactly sure. Delivery men wait outside the building for you to come downstairs to pick up your food. Delivery restaurants pay crack addicts to roam around the city and deliver these fliers.

Theoretically, my building is “secure.” One must have a pass card to gain entry. If the fliers have made it into the building, that means some clueless naif has let a crack addict into the building. This is particularly irritating, as on two separate occasions since I’ve moved here, said naifs have been assaulted in the elevator, robbed and hospitalized.

You’re not in Kansas anymore, it’s okay to tell an emaciated, shaking, crusty lipped strangers to fuck off when they beg you to let them in the building. They don’t live here (unless, of course, I’m the emaciated, shaking, crusty lipped stranger and I’ve forgotten my pass card. I’m just skinny, over-caffinated and chap-lipped. Once you’ve lived in the neighborhood for awhile, you should be able to tell the difference).

Anyway, I don’t want this to turn into some big “BOO! I live in a scary neighborhood” sort of entry. Generally speaking, I like it here and it is safe enough as long as you take the proper precautions--like NOT letting crack addict strangers into the building.

Back to the flier, upon closer inspection, I saw that it was from a restaurant from this address:

Ha! First of all, it was obviously not left by a delivery man, as two perfectly average, clean chinese delivery restaurants are much closer than this one. Second, (this is for the maybe one reader who is not familiar with Baltimore geography), if you think I’m going to buy chinese food from a restaurant that is wedged between a hepatitis infected, gangster ridden booty bar and a whack-off porno shop you have got to be out of your mind (these are just educated guesses. I have not closely examined The Block in years. I’m not actually familiar with what businesses are located at this exact address).

So let’s do the math:

1 Delivery restaurant who hires crack addicts to sneak into my building and hand out fliers.

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1 Filthy address on a filthy block in arguably one of the filthiest cities in America (I love you, Baltimore. I’m just sayin’).

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1 Face it, you’re a chinese restaurant. I know, I know. It’s horrible of me to point this out, and yes, your culture is arguably much much more hygienic than western culture, but your restaurants are not. I remember reading an article in the New Yorker a few years ago about how the NYC health department in Chinatown needs to organize lightning raids because your restaurants can be so disgusting. Of course, I don’t think this applies to all chinese restaurants. But on The Block? I think it is a pretty safe bet that your standards of cleanliness are well below par.

Suffice to say, I’m not leaping to the phone to put in an order for moo goo gai pan from your establishment any time in the near future. But thanks anyway.