I think I just stumbled on the most revolting social phenomenon ever borne from the twisted imagination of humankind. The implications of this “movement” are so disturbing that they cause me to want to scrub my inner child raw with industrial grade lye. Like other quote/unquote evolved persons, I try to keep an open mind about others’ play-games. Multiple partners, farm equipment, diapers, the family poodle even -- if it’s not my business, knock yourself out, have a ball and partay, I say. But there is absolutely no reasonable justification for the soul shattering, cringe inducing, heebeejeebee causing Cuddle Party.

Apparently, these cuddle parties are the brainchild of two New York-based sex/romance/relationship/communication/bullshit coaches. For a fee and under their guidance, grown adults get together in large groups, wearing pajamas and with juice cups in hand, to “explore communication, boundaries and affection. Facilitated by a "Cuddle Lifeguard on Duty," who creates a comfortable, non-threatening environment...”

Apparently, “it's a great place to make new friends and to learn about yourself.”

Gentlemen, do you remember that female friend in college, who thought of you as her Best Friend Forever, that, whenever she was feeling low, would invite you to share her bed for some affectionate, “non-sexual” spooning, causing to lie awake all night, hoping either that she would let you make a move or that God would kill you to end your misery? Ladies, do you remember torturing your male friends that you had absolutely no sexual feelings for in that way because it made you feel more desirable? Well, I don’t, because I couldn’t even get that far, but from what I remember that sort of sadistic/masochistic idiocy was quite popular with the kids. Just so you know, that sort of behavior was, in fact, pathetic twisted nonsense. I cannot think of a way that the “Cuddle Party” is anything more than a fetishistic manifestation of that behavior on a large, collective scale. An orgy for the sexually repressed, horay!

Of course, these events are organized by, ahem, therapy coaches (read the bios!), so of course these events are not repressing human sexuality, but transcending our societal repression to combat our conditioned “touch-phobic” preconceptions. Luckily, they’ve established rules so everyone can enjoy a group cuddle in a safe, non-threatening environment:

1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.
2. No SEX. (Yep, you read that right.)
3. A) Kissing and nuzzling, as well as other forms of touch, are allowed, but you must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. B) You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
4. If you're a yes, say YES. If you're a no, say NO.
5. If you're a maybe, say NO.
6. You are encouraged to change your mind from a yes to a no, no to a yes anytime you want.
7. NO DRY HUMPING!
8. If you're in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don't re-negotiate those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party. (Trust us on this one.)
9. Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there's a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
10. Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged.
11. Please be respectful of other people's privacy when sharing with the outside world about Cuddle Parties and DO NOT GOSSIP.
12. Arrive on time.
13. Be hygienically savvy.
14. Keep the cuddle space tidy and pick up after yourself.
15. Always say thank you and practice good Cuddle Manners.

No dry-humping, indeed. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall the moment they realized this needed to be added to the rule book.

On second thought, I’m glad I wasn’t.

[via Mindy Raf]