image from NY Metro

New York Metro recently published the annual sex issue. In an interview titled The Vagina Dialogues, Amy Sohn discusses writing about sex with five well known female sex columnists/bloggers. I have to admit, I only skimmed the article. Believe it or not, I’ve never been particularly interested confessional style sex blogging. I love entertainingly written confessionals about boils, gas, UTI’s and other embarrassments, unbelievably childish sexual humor kills me, but I find tell-alls about sexual conquests completely uninteresting. This one brief snippet, which included quotes from the only two women in the interview whose names I recognized did stand out for me, though:

Cutler: They paid my rent, yeah. It’s not unusual. It’s common practice for guys to give you money, pay your rent, and buy you gifts. They just thought, She makes crap money. Twenty-five K? I still have that going on. I will probably be dating dickholes anyway, so I might as well be letting them pay my rent for me. If they offer, why not say yes?

It becomes clear that there is a schism at the table. Nersesian, Klein and I roll our eyes at Cutler because she offends our p.c. instincts, but Datskovsky and Bussel, on the other hand, nod emphatically—as though her brazenness is an act of rebellion itself. Cutler embodies today’s feminism lite: As long as you’re honest about your desires, no matter how morally vacuous, you’re “kick-ass” and “revolutionary.”

Bussel: What I think is really interesting at this table is, where are the guys writing about sex, beyond [gay syndicated columnist] Dan Savage? I think it stems from straight guys not being as comfortable talking about sex in general.

Now, I think it is fairly safe to make the assumption from this excerpt that Jessica Cutler is a humongous giant whore. I’m not judging that. If she likes to have relations with men who pay her rent, and the men are willing to pay her rent and like and have relations with her (knowing full well that she is going to write about it), than everybody wins. I’ve never read a word that Jessica Cutler has written. As I said above, sex confessionals really aren’t my thing. But I think it is important to point out that as much of a humongous giant whore that Jessica Cutler is, Rachel Kramer Bussel is far more of a humongous giant imbecile. Like Cutler, I’ve never read a word she has written, although I have seen lots and lots of naked pictures of her. Her naked pictures are the only thing that I have to hold on to convince myself that I am not addicted to online porn. She writes a sex column, is supposed to be some sort of an authority on the subject, and she thinks men don’t write sexual confessionals because we’re not as comfortable talking about sex?

All right, Rachel, there is nothing I can do to improve the quality of your pornographic pictures, but I can share with you the perspective of one man that may improve your understanding of the male psyche, and hopefully help you see why men do not typically write sexual confessionals as women do. Off the top of my head I can think of four blaring reasons men don’t (or shouldn’t) write about sex. In each one of these cases, that rule that applies to the male of our species, the converse is true for the female of our species:

1. Men do not write frankly about sex because nobody wants to read a guy writing frankly about sex. It would be the prosaic equivalent of listening to a goon come into the office and tell everyone that he “got some” the night before. Nooooobody cares. [*special note to any of my male coworkers who may stumble across this post. I don’t care. Stop telling me you “got some” the night before.]

2. Men do not write frankly about sex because nobody would believe him/them. See reason 1, and add disbelief. It would be fairly safe to assume that such a man is a goon, a moron, AND a complete liar. Miss Bussel, you write for Penthouse. Read the Penthouse letters. See what I mean?

3. Men describing specific details of sexual interplay is about as hot
as seeing a man walk down the street completely nude. Even if he is attractive, there is nothing sexy about seeing a completely nude man walk down the street. I have seen a completely nude man walk down the street. It was not sexy. The woman I was with was in agreement. Trust us on this.

4. This is the humdinger most important reason that men do not write frankly about sex on the internet. If word got out that a man was writing specific, graphic details about his sex life, said man WOULD NEVER EVER GET LAID AGAIN, for the rest of his life. Ever. We can write to our hearts content about not having sex, we can write about our love of pornography. We can even, with careful wordage, tell what exactly it is that we are doing while we are loving that pornography. But we cannot, under any circumstances, publish about our coital victories and ever hope to again be graced with an intimate familiarity of the genitalia of the fairer sex.

Granted, we may be idiots; but how stupid do you think we are? Seriously?

Update: wonderful Cutler pic, via Lindsayism (with permission). Photoshop work by thftml.

click to enlarge

Again, not that I'm judging that.

[via Lindsayism]