Heh. Kidding, people. I'm not the ink type. Each one of the suggestions i threw out were intended to be the dumbest idea that anyone could come up with. Perhaps it is my zip code or something, but i am surrounded by neck tattoos. What are people thinking when they get neck tattoos!!!??? I also hate all other tattoos, but can live with them and agree to disagree with the the owners, as long as they are not on the neck.

Thanks for the comments. I loved reading them all, and want to address some of the individual responses:

anon: That is a very clever statement on the part of Johnny Depp. I wonder who first said it to him. If memory serves me correctly, he once tattooed “Winona” on his arm. When they broke up, he had it corrected to say “Wino.” Neither of which are the actions of a man whose suggestions about anything I would typically take seriously. But he is the first person I would go to if I needed to know how to portray an entertaining pirate.

ex-bartender: No need for me to get my throat fucked. You’ve had your throat fucked plenty for the both of us. Ha!

disappearingink: I liked both suggestions, but especially the second. An ink dickey. Brilliant! How about an ink ascot? I think it would be a big hit at a waspy country club.

Broadsheet: I think at, or below, the appendix region is kind of a womanly place to get a tattoo. I think it is actually the place a woman might get a tattoo that I find the least irritating. But in all honesty, when I am in a situation where I have to face such a tattoo, I’m not likely to be so ungrateful as to complain about much of anything. But for the love of God I would hope she wouldn’t feel compelled to explain to me its ‘significance.’ I hate having to feign interest. My least favorite chick tattoo is the idiotic symmetrical pattern between the small of the back and the top of the buttocks. I like to call those ‘thumb-guides.’ Some of my friends call those ‘targets.’ Crass, I know, but I’m not convinced that a woman who is stupid enough to get such a trendy tattoo deserves my respect.

fool: heh. I think it would be more sensible to get “moron” tattooed across my forehead. If I had my address on my neck, I would constantly have to explain to people how to pronounce it.

Kristine: A friend of mine once saw a porno movie where a woman had two W’s tattooed on each side of her anus. When she spread her cheeks, it spelled out “WOW.” When she turned over, it spelled “MOM.” For a porn actress, that is friggin genius!