Last night, while staring at my blank walls and stewing in my own filth, I crossed my legs and the knees in my jeans simultaneously combusted. The rip was heard across the space/time continuum.

Many, many moons ago, in a more innocent time, before his adorable nieces began running with Snoop’s crowd and developing eating disorders, John Stamos was a teenager himself. He was an incorrigible youth, and the son of Oscar Madison. The central conceit in their household was the ripped knees in his jeans. Every camera angle, every parse of dialogue and every episode centered on the conflict created by those rips in the knees in his jeans. At the time, the rips in the knees in his jeans were revolutionary. The prime time definition of youthful exuberance. They were Jim Stark’s red jacket for the eighties’ tween demographic.

To this day, whenever I develop a rip in the knees of my jeans, Uncle Jessie and Oscar Madison pop into my head. But both Uncle Jessie’s career and my hairline have whimpered their last cry against the dying of the light. Do not send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for these knees in my jeans. Thirty-three is not the new thirteen. Don’t believe the hype.

I have not bought a stitch of clothing since our Republic became an Empire. For the past two years I have been wearing my father’s hand-me-downs, just as he did when his own father took the great dirt nap of ‘77. For better or for worse, I feel our Empire is about to crumble, and hopefully a Republic will once again rise from its ashes, without too much damage to our beneficiaries, of course. I would like to say I have not participated in the textile process out of protest, but that would be lying. Truth is I’m cheap, and had lots of free clothing handed to me by the executor. Unfortunately, my father had a different belt size to myself, and a taste for a slightly tapered leg cut. Neither of which would do. Consequently, my leg ware is threadbare and gasping their last breath.

Regardless of the state of our Empire, it is time for me to reenter the process. How much do pants cost nowadays? What has John Stamos been doing lately? Is Quincy still alive?