A few months ago, it seems, the most popular conversation topic for all of THP (Those Hampden People) was the subject of Male Testicle Shavage. I had meant to share my own impressions on the subject, but had been distracted or was concerned that my posts were too blue at the time or something or other, and never got around to writing the entry. Benn Ray, some funny hepatitis guy and Tom Warner even went so far as to publish their views (I would have hyperlinked to both Mobtown Shank entries on the subject; but as it uses a bounce-out URL, the Shank is nearly impossible to Google. No combination of “Mobtown Shank” “sugarfreak” “Benn Ray” “hepatitis” “shomos” or “my balls” resulted in an adequate Google hit. But check out Tom Warner’s post, if for no other reason, the large number of hyperlinks to ball shaving resources.) All of the posts were entertaining in their own right. How could they not be? As the topic was the question of men shaving their balls. The funny hepatitis guy thought it was for the fags, Benn Ray found it disturbing and did not approve; and Tom Warner, of course, was all about shaving his balls.

I, on the other hand, look at the subject a little differently than these three men. I have never personally shaved my balls (Hi Mom!), although I do occasionally trim my stuff. Now, I do not occasionally trim my stuff because the ladies may or may not appreciate it, to make my stuff look deceptively larger, or to follow the latest trends coming out Los Angeles. On those occasions that I have trimmed my stuff, my primary motivation was boredom. As far as can see, cutting back public hair seems to as good a way to kill a half hour as any other. I am neither proud nor ashamed of this. Take me or leave me. It is who I am.

But groin trimming is not really the subject at hand. The question that was bouncing from mouth to ear among the Hampden folk was whether or not men should or should not shave their testicles. As I said in the last paragraph, I have never done this. The reason I have never shaved my testicles is not because I think ball shaving is for fags. I’ve been told by my gay friends that body hair is back in style now that all the straight people have begun to imitate their old early 2000’s thing. I must have missed that episode of Queer Eye. I do not find ball shaving either disturbing or something worthy of disapproval. I have never considered it because Peter North has endorsed ball shaving on Atomic TV (I saw that episode, by the way. Classic Television.) The reason I have never shaved my testicles is because everywhere below the belt I am unusually hairy. Everywhere above the belt I’m actually only lightly haired for a grown white male. If you can imagine a satyr without horns or goat hoofs, you have a pretty accurate impression of what I look like naked. I have never shaved my balls because I would have absolutely no idea where it was exactly that I was supposed to stop. Would I have to shave my thighs? My buttocks? My legs? My toes? I find the whole question rather daunting and intimidating and have chosen to avoid the issue all together and leave my testicles occasionally trimmed, but otherwise natural.

I would like to say, before any of us are too quick to pass judgment and wag our tongues and fingers over the choices others’ make over their own genitals, I would like to remind you that we do not live in the Soviet Union or New England. We live in America! Shaven, trimmed or full blown hairy, our forefathers fought from the Halls of Montazuma to the shore of Tripoli so that we could one day, One Nation Indivisible [sic unconstitutional additions], could make the decision as Free Men as to whether or not we wanted to have sack hair. I don’t know about you, but I love my county. I am not about to let any communists, puritans or fundamentalists stomp on my balls or my rights, whether I have hair on my nuts or not!

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