I received an email last night from one of those godless Canadian bloggers. It was in mangled Canadian Gypsy talk, but I was able to make out that she too was the proud owner of a retard scarf. She had even posted about it, with pictures, even:

I emailed her back, saying many very kind things about her primitive people, after explaining that since my grandmother was Mi’kmaq, she owed me land. Okay, okay... my grandmother was only maybe half injun savage, but exaggerating one’s injun savageness is as American as, well... killing indians. But I still have the big injun ham and cheese nose, and an unhealthy love for the firewater, and nobody can take those away from me.

I know many of you may think it is adorable and sweet that retard scarfs are crossing borders and populating foreign lands, but if you ask me, this sounds like the beginnings of an international crisis. If we allow these retard scarfs to breed uncontrolled, at some point in the future we’re going to be choking in a sea of retard scarfs.

Sure, nothing horrible may happen with a Canadian owning one of our retard scarfs. They’re harmless enough, God knows. But what if the Koreans or the Iranians get a hold of a couple of these?

Now, I’m sure some of you “cut and run” bleeding heart liberal types may disagree, but I think if Canada is unwilling to return our retard scarfs voluntarily, we should invade. Uh-huh, YOU HEARD ME. A preemptive strike is exactly what those passive, internationalist, Molson swilling curling enthusiasts need before they start to get any funny ideas in their heads about who is number one on this continent.