Screw the Irish. I mean it. So your* you're Irish? Whooptey-Do! Doesn’t that make you special, just like 80 million other people. How did you go from being a tiny community of dirt farmers on a worthless island to one of the largest diaspora communities in the world? You should be proud. A true testament to the power of whiskey and unprotected sex. Pat yourself on the back and eat an extra potato. “Wah-wah-wah! We’re an exploited people. Boo-hoo-hoo! We’re the downtrodden of the earth.” I’m sick and tired of listening to you whine like a bunch of lazy drunken babies. Build me a railroad and cry me a river. Oh yeah, you’re so poor and downtrodden. Here are a few examples of your salt-of-the-earth suffering victimhood and what you have given to the world:

Ernesto Guevara de la Serna. (aka, Che Guevara. aka, el Che) [Irish, Basque and Spanish ancestry (mestizo my mestizo ass)] Terrorist, bourgeoisie hobby revolutionary, death squad leader, torturer, “sociopathic thug.” The son of an influential, exploitive and wealthy Argentian family, this bored young playboy chose to entertain himself by embedding himself into the death armies of warlords in struggling nations across Latin America and Africa. Directly responsible for the death and torture of thousands of individuals. Indirectly responsible for the suffering of millions more through the eradication of struggling economies in countless third world nations. Finally brought down by the Bolivian Army with assistance by the CIA. Received dispensation from popular culture for looking really cool on t-shirts.

Vicente Fox Quesada (aka, Vicente Fox. aka, The Fox) [Irish and Spanish ancestry] Counter Revolutionary, dictator and head of state for one of the largest, most corrupt governments on the international stage. The son of a powerful Mexico City family. Former executive for the international illuminate group, the Coca-Cola Company. Continually fuels the economy of the world largest imperial power by providing cheap labor that is not entitled social security benefits (that they often pay for), a living wage or constitutional protection.

Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. (aka, Joseph Kennedy) [Irish ancestry] Whiskey runner, exploiter through international banking, government meddler, election fixer. Provided funding to both the Vatican Church (the world’s largest and wealthiest landowner) and the Democratic Party. Principal architect of the end of democracy in our time. Created a puppet regime in the United States, planted his children in leadership positions in the American government. Took orders from the Pope.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy (aka, Jack Kennedy. aka, “Mr. President”) [Irish Ancestry] Rogue Cold War conflater, imperialist, puppet leader (for both is father and the Vatican), philanderer, star fucker. Increased American involvement in the War of Vietnamese Independence, responsible for the Bay of Pigs fiasco. Planted nuclear weapons in Turkey on the Soviet Union’s doorstep and insisted they weren’t allowed to do the same thing in Cuba. Brought humanity to the brink of destruction. Along with countless others, boinked Marilyn Monroe. Finally brought down by a coordinated coalition of the willing: Soviet Union, American Mafia, J. Edgar Hoover, CIA and many others.

I had many more of these, but the post was getting long and annoying to write. With the exception of Che Guevera, they are, of course, all jokes (well, Joseph Kennedy was kind of a dick too). I cannot say this enough. Fuck Che. Fuck Che. Fuck Che. And fuck anybody who ever wore a Che shirt. For the rest of you, enjoy your green beer and the resultant hangover. I don't do shit on St. Patrick's Day because it isn't a real holiday and it's stupid, but knock yourselves out. If you drink where I used to drink, DO NOT order carbombs, they’ll kick you out. They say the term is offensive or some nonsense. The Irish are known for being drunk, lazy and prone to fight. Not our sense of humor. And to all my drunk, lazy, fighting Irish relatives, all two million of you (do we really need to breed like fruit flies?), don’t hate me for being a traitor and self-hater, I don’t actually hate the Irish. Hate me for blowing off your weddings and not sending you christmas cards. Seriously, there are too many of you to bother.

*I am an idiot! That is the second time I did that this week.