Do you know what this is? It’s a lighter cozy. Made of plastic, rubber and shiny metaly stickers, its only practical purpose is to make your lighter look neat. I bought one of these the other day at 7-11. Why, you might ask? Because it was shiny, placed on the check-out counter, jingled in my face and I’m apparently as easily entertained as my cat, but with a wallet. Does anyone know the Urdu word for sucker? I think the clerks were saying it to one another and laughing as I was walking out of the store. From the moment I stepped out onto the street with that thing I realized I was, without a doubt, the biggest tool in the Universe.

When I got home, it stood upright on my coffee table and its lid flapped up and down, mocking me. “You idiot,” it sounded just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, “would you like to buy some air? Can you keep me in your rear pocket? I want to stay close to the brains of this operation.”

I didn’t have to take the abuse for too long. My cat started throwing around a little foam ball for me to chase. He also dangled a string over my head. I tried to jump up and grab it, but he kept pulling it just out of my reach. It was fun, but I got tired and took a nap under my bed. I think he was trying to wear me out. He wanted to go online and check out this page. He hates when I stare at him while he “surfs the net.”