Smoking: I fail to see what is to be gained from the experience of smoking a cigarette in the presence of another human being. I smoke because I am addicted to nicotine, not because it brings me closer to my fellow man. I am not addicted to small talk. This leads to....

Conversing: I am not a chatter. I do like wit. If you are witty, talk away. Wit amuses me. Experiences in your life expressed with wit is entertaining; but the experiences themselves are completely irrelevant. Do I care about how many children you have? No. Do I care about your pets? No. Do I care about your day? No. But if you tell me a story about how earlier in the day, said dog tried to hump your child while the child screamed and tried to get away, I may be entertained. You see, it isn’t in the details, it is all in the expression. This is why I constantly talk to myself. I kill me. Some others kill me as well, because they are entertaining and express themselves amusingly; but I still don’t care about their children, their pets, or their lives. Hell, I don’t even care about my own life. Why would I care about yours?

Going to the movies: If you happen to want to see the same movie as me, and happen to be free at the same time as me, feel free to sit next to me. Otherwise, I fail to see how staring at a screen in silence is a social experience. Do I want to discuss the movie afterwards with you? That depends. How entertaining are you? If you are just rehashing the experience of watching the movie, than let’s just go see the movie at different times. I just saw the movie; I don’t need it to be rehashed. I have plenty of funny things I want to say about the movie to myself, because I kill me.

Drinking alcohol: There was a time in my life with drinking alcohol was a social experience. It made other people more interesting and more amusing. Over time, as my tolerance became stronger and stronger, as did my love for the alcohol, its ability to make other people more interesting and amusing became weaker and weaker. Eventually, I got to a point where I would walk into a bar and hope nobody was there who I knew that could bother me. It was the alcohol, not the company, that I loved. This is why I no longer drink.

And last but not least...

Sexual Intercourse: Sure, in theory, I love sexual intercourse with a living, breathing, other human female as much as the next guy. Only problem is I don’t enjoy actual human sex nearly as much as I hate being coupled. Why? See above. Back in the day, with the help of the alcohol, noncommittal skirt chasing bridged the gap between my love of actual sex and my general disinterest in other human beings. Nowadays, even noncommittal chasing is too annoying to me to make it worth the bother.

So there you have it. I’m looking forward to my golden years of sitting on a park bench, feeding pigeons, talking to myself and yelling at strangers to leave me alone. Apparently, I’m already half way there.