Depending on the source, the high today is expected to be somewhere between 100 and 102 degrees farenhait; and this heat is expected to last for two or three days.

But there is good news. First, it’s going to be Phoenix hot, as opposed to New Orleans hot. At the hottest point today, the humidity isn’t expected to be higher than 35%, and tomorrow is supposed to be similarly dry. That just doesn’t happen around here. I’ve never experienced dry heat in my life. I’m actually curious as to what dry heat feels like. But don’t be fooled by these numbers. Up and down the Atlantic coastline, online whining about heat index suffering is expected to be record breaking.

In other good news, for the first time in seven years, I have enough air conditioning to deal with the situation. Some years I’ve gone without air conditioning. Some years I’ve had a measly 5000 BTU unit in one bedroom that needed 9000. Last August, I scored a twenty year old 12000 BTU that cooled my living room and lasted a glorious 2 weeks. This year, not only am I sufficiently BTUed, I have about 5000 BTUs to spare. I’m experiencing a sense of ‘bring it on’ hubris of Presidential proportions. I won’t have to lie to myself and pretend that I like to feel the heat, while I sit dripping and motionless on my couch in my underwear, too scared to move my pinky finger for fear that the resultant calorie burn will push my body temperature over the top, causing me to spontaneously combust.

I have today and tomorrow off. I have food, I have a carton of cigarettes, and I have no intention of leaving this apartment for nothin. I’m going to crank that bitch up, full force. Perhaps I’ll wear flannel pajamas, curl up under my comforter and read all day? Maybe I’ll make some bean soup from scratch? That’s only about four hours of cooking time, right? I could roast a turkey today! Ummmm, homemade bean soup and roasted turkey sounds like a good dinner. Afterwards, I can wrap myself in an afghan and enjoy some hot chocolate.

I have to find a wool sweater. Maybe a Christmas sweater? I’m feeling a little chill.