Earlier in the week, a friend and coworker purchased a new macintosh laptop. We do not use computers in our workplace, this individual is on the dark side his forties, and consequently is a little remedial in the whole ‘how to make the box thingy work’ department. Before anyone starts ranting about how much they hate Steve Jobs or whatever, I really couldn't care less about the whole PC/Mac debate. Macs are insanely expensive and completely unnecessary for anyone with an intermediate level of Windows familiarity, yadda yadda yadda; but, they do have advantages for people who are weak when it comes to keeping their hard drive clean. The Mac operating system is more intuitive and more idiot proof; and yes, Apple is a rat fuck bloodletting company. Whatever. I actually recommended that he get a PC instead. He chose to get a Mac. It’s his money and his business. Case closed.

Still, being someone who didn’t touch a computer for the first forty-five years of his life, familiarizing himself with the Mac operating system is a bit of a challenge for him. It’s the Mac OS, so in less than a month he’ll be an old pro; as opposed to the past five years he has spent clawing his way in the uphill battle to figure out how to make Windows kind of work, but not really understanding what the machine was doing.

One of his primary concerns is making all his gay porn sites work. That’s fine. I can appreciate the need for porn. Lord knows I surf my share of the dirty web.

For the past few days, he has been bringing his laptop into work and asking me why his movies aren’t playing or why whatever other problem is causing him to not be able to enjoy the gay porn web surfing in its optimal glory. I’ll first insist that he clean up anything on his desktop that will make me want to crawl into my inner child, and I’ll then download the proper software to make whatever work.

On Sunday, he had his computer open, had his browser set to http://BigGiantMassiveMembers.com, was complaining that his .WMV files weren’t playing and asked me if I could check it out.

“I don’t want to look at that page.” I said.

He rolled his eyes and insisted there was nothing offensive on the main page.

“But I don’t want to see if I happen to make it work.”

He rolled his eyes again, shook his head and replied “Fine, I’ll click this movie. It has a girl in it. Why won’t the movie play?!”

“I don’t want to see it.”

“Oh, stop being a baby. There’s a girl in it!”

“I don’t care! There’s probably fifteen guys in it! It’s a movie for gay people. I don’t want to see it!”

I squinted and looked around the corner to take a look at the webpage, and sure enough, his idea of an inoffensive main page had a naked smiling man with what appeared to be a fully extended arm with clenched fist extending from his lower torso.

“Oh, man! Why did you make me look at that?” I screamed.

“Oh, like there isn’t plenty of that on the pages you look at.”

“It’s different.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the camera is pointed at different stuff. It’s just different.”

“Stop being so childish and just make the movie work.”

With one eye closed and the other squinting, I was able to look at the file without actually watching the movie. The reason the movie wasn’t playing immediately was because the file was over an hour long!

Now, I did learn some stuff from his horrible experience, and I didn’t actually have to watch any gay porn movies to learn it. First, it is apparently childish to be hesitant to watch gay porn to help a fella out. Good to know. I’ll have to remember that. I also learned that it is a lot easier to subscribe to a pay site than it is to know how to resize your browser window. That’s interesting. Ya know, I would have assumed opposite was true.