After cleaning the kitchen yesterday (See? Seriously, NOTHING else is going on. Deal with it), I didn’t feel like refilthing up the kitchen so I decided to treat myself to some Savage Injun carryout food. By Savage Injun food, I mean industrious, ceremoniously bathe in poopy river, Dell support staff, light your wife on fire and worship monkeys Injun - not lazy, wasting away on a reservation, drinking whisky, collecting welfare and worshipping coyotes Injun. I’ve got a weakness for the Savage Injun food - again, I’m talking about curries and vindaloo, not frybread and squirrel meat. I would say european missionary human flesh meat, but I think that may be indigenous to both cultures.*

Anyway, like I was saying, I went out and bought a GIANT family sized portion of Vindaloo. My eyes were way too big for my stomach and I ate the whole damn thing. I spent the rest of the night writhing in pain, begging for mercy from Lord Hanuman. Monkey deities are a bitch. Vanaras, apparently, like nothing more than jumping around and reeking havoc on your innards, doing Lord Rama’s dirty work, clawing and biting at your intestinal track.

Today, it seems, that my prayers have been answered, and the vanaras have left my intestines. This is a double edged sword, as to escape my innards, the little monkey men have to leave from somewhere, which has given me the worst case of flaming Indian Monkey-Ass I could ever imagine. Jesus, you make one joke about Indians lighting women on fire, and all their manifestations of the Vishnu come at you with a vengeance.

Uncle! Never again will I disparage your culture. I will be courteous and respectful to your doctors, cabbies and customer support staff. When I’m leering at your women’s sweet, Dravidian, brown subcontinental jiggle, I promise to be discreet about it and not creep them out too much.

But I won’t watch your crappy Bollywood movies, or listen to your pop music... unless some deejay has cut it into a dance track (that, I like for some reason). That would be too much to ask, and to be frank, there aren’t enough gods in your pantheon or devoted intestinal monkey warriors to make that happen.

*I’m part animal-like savage myself, both Injun and Irish, so if you’re offended by my words, bite me (Which kind of Injun savage? hint hint: I’m a drunk and I’m lazy.).