About, oh, I’d say two or three months ago, I bought some new underwear. In most respects, they’re the most comfortable boxer briefs I’ve ever worn. The “SuperSoft®” material feels three times thicker than to what I’m accustomed, they’re formfitting in the legs and the fabric-covered waistband is a really pleasant touch.

Unfortunately, there is one design flaw, which I wouldn’t say is uncomfortable, exactly; but is certainly distracting. You see, all of me, much like my politics, prefers to lean slightly to the left. The new briefs, apparently, prefer that I lean significantly to my right. Consequently, that which I can typically forget and ignore while going about my everyday routine, is... well... something that I cannot ignore, and I’m constantly conscious of its... or their... presence. It feels as though I’m walking around with someone else’s hand down my pants. I can’t decide who it is, exactly, who it feels like is walking around with their hand down my pants. If it was Ann Coulter, I suspect it would feel more clawing. It isn’t her. John Gibson would feel more violent and offensive. Sean Hannity, I would suspect, wouldn’t know how to find the front of my pants, even if he was trying, unless the RNC called him ahead of time and told him where it was. I would say it was the ghost of Malcolm Forbes, which would certainly make more sense, but the truth of the matter is I don’t think I’m young or pretty enough to make it worth his ghost’s while.

I would just turn my underwear inside-out, but I fear that would cause a left leaning swing more pronounced than to what I’m accustomed. As distracting as the right leaning swing is to me, I don’t suspect it would feel any less unnatural to walk around feeling like Al Franken, George Clooney or Michael Moore were walking beside me with one of their hands down my pants; although if the Dixie Chicks or Janeane Garofalo were insistent enough, I might be willing to give it a try.

What’s a boy to do?

Update (2:53 pm): I just now noticed on the Hanes website marketing description for these briefs open: “Everyday basic for the not-so-average man.”

I’m not sure if Hanes intended that to be an insult or a compliment. Nor am I sure if that reflects upon me either negatively or positively. I’m probably going to obsess over this for the next four months.