eebmore: I Just Thought He Was A Gay Arab Or Something

I Just Thought He Was A Gay Arab Or Something

January 11, 2007

Six months or so ago, I replaced an old dead cat with a new baby cat. Being a discriminating shopper, I just asked the vet if they had any male cats up for adoption while I was filling out the dead-cat-disposal paperwork.

“Yes,” they said, “we have a male six (or eight? I can’t remember) week old kitten. Would you like to see him?”

“Sure,” I said. They brought out a kitten and I told them to wrap it up and that I would take him, because the only thing gayer than a man owning a cat is going to the trouble of picking out the perfect cat. They said they needed to give him a few shots and that I could pick him up the next day. Whatever, anyway, fast forward to two days ago...

Being lazy and not too terribly concerned about his gonads, the cat - which I never properly named because naming a cat is gayer than owning a cat - went all puberty on my ass. Poor little fella, I thought. Puberty sucks, from what I remember. He was climbing walls, making funny noises, cocking his tail to the side, which I thought was kind of gay of him, but I don’t judge gay cats and just accepted his bottom faggy ways. I made an appointment at the vet to have his testes removed this morning. At 8 this morning, I dropped the little fella off.

At 9:30, I received a call from the vet, which worried me, as I wasn’t supposed to receive a call until 3 or so.

“Hello”
“Hello, is this Adam?”
“Yes.”
“Did you drop off Noname for a neuter this morning?”
“Yes.”
“Did you know that Noname is a female?”
“?”
“Hello?”
“A female?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Quite sure.”
“Well I guess that would explain why he went into heat the other day... I just thought he was really gay or something.”

[I totally said that, and the female vet totally didn’t laugh. I think I offended a lesbian vet. Whatever.]

So I’m a big dumbass who never bothered to properly examine my cat’s genitalia. Reason number one thousand and twenty why I would make the worst parent to a human child, ever.

No biggie. After the vet explained to me the medical reasons the previous tard hack vet got the cat’s gender wrong when he gave the cat to me, we agreed that tomorrow morning, I’m going to pick up my newly sterile girl cat that I’ve been calling “Little buddy” and “Little fella” for the past six months. It’s going to take a bit of getting used to thinking of her as a her when I’ve been thinking of her as a him for all this time, but in the long run, him/her, being a dumb cat, will be blithely indifferent to the gender role that I’ve been assigning to him/her for all this time. I’m glad I fixed... um, her when I did, but it would have been sooo hil-AR-ious if he had had kittens on me. Now, THAT would have totally freaked me out.

12:40 PM | Permalink

Comments

Add one more reason to your top 10 list of why eebmore doesn't date....

You can't sex a cat? They're called balls for a reason dude.

Good for you for having the guts to admit it - it was damn funny.

Posted by: Broadsheet at January 11, 2007 01:24 PM

Well, if I’m going to be all frank, the reason that I and the original doc mistook her for a him is because she has really flappy cat labias, which me and the original doc mistook for little kitty balls. But truth be told, I haven’t bothered to look at her crotch for months.

Maybe I'll rename her "Flappy."

Posted by: eebmore at January 11, 2007 01:32 PM

flappy cat labia?

WHAT?

this is the craziest thing i've ever heard. you should name her hedwig, or maybe buffalo bill.

Posted by: miss kendra at January 11, 2007 01:57 PM

miss kendra- unfortunately, both of those pop culture references completely went over my head. Hedwig, I'm assuming, is a reference to Hedwig and the Angry Inch - a movie I've never seen. And Buffalo Bill? I'm drawing a blank.

Howzabout "Jamie Lee Curtis?"

Posted by: eebmore at January 11, 2007 02:03 PM

buffalo bill was the tucked junk guy in silence of the lambs.

Posted by: miss kendra at January 11, 2007 02:07 PM

Buffalo Bill!! Silence of the Lambs! It just popped into my head. Good One!

(by the way, I never did that in the mirror. I swear.)

Posted by: eebmore at January 11, 2007 02:08 PM

Ah, you answered me at the same time I figured it out on my own.

Years ago, back in band camp, a friend of mine was at Sheppard Pratt for 48 hours of voluntary observation. I went to visit her and couldn't figure out why the building freaked me out so badly... then I realized it was the location where they kept Hannibal Lechter in the movie.

Posted by: eebmore at January 11, 2007 02:13 PM

That's just wrong that your cat succeeded in hiding the candy for six months.

Posted by: tfg at January 11, 2007 05:00 PM

Cats are SUCH SLUTS when they're in heat! She was all wanting you to stick something in there by cocking her tail to the side. HAHA. "...which I thought was kind of gay of him..." HAHAHAHAHA!

That wav file you linked to still has me laughing.

Posted by: Kristine at January 11, 2007 06:10 PM

Cats are SUCH SLUTS when they're in heat! She was all wanting you to stick something in there by cocking her tail to the side.

Yes, but look at the money you save in pencil holders.

Posted by: tfg at January 12, 2007 10:11 AM

as a mom and a cat owner, labia in infants can be huge but they become more proportionate with age, also, in your defense, who looks at their cat's parts if there's no problem anyway, pervs? that said,reeeely funny, dude.

Posted by: molly at January 12, 2007 10:45 AM

Yeah, I said "flappy" but "puffy-n-fluffy" probably would have been more accurate. Flappy just sounded funnier. Still, the hack vet I was going to should be gelded. I think the old cat suffered for two days longer than it had to because he was too lazy to do the blood test when I brought him the first time. THEN, he was too stupid to correctly identify the gender of the present cat?! Do they have veterinary schools in the Caribbean or something?

Posted by: eebmore at January 12, 2007 12:10 PM

... and judging from the comments of two female participants in this thread, the plural for labia is apparently “labia,” not “labias.” Good to know - I would hate to sound ignorant in any future dirty talk. Never too old to learn, I guess. And, yes, I like to use medical terms in my dirty talk.

Posted by: eebmore at January 12, 2007 12:24 PM

my husband and i were pleasantly inebriated one winter evening and decided that we weren't sure that one of our three cats was a dude b/c he didn't look anything like our other male cat who, though nuetered, has kind of creepy vestigual testes that are totally noticable. So since we had one cat that is definitely male and one that is definitely female, we decided that the scientific approach would be to coax them with treats then hold two at a time upside down to compare. The results were inconclusive. I think that on the parenting scale ignoring your cat's genitals is probably better than drunkenly dangling the cats upside down and making various arguments for and against their gender.

so does no name like to be spanked?
might as well name her Pandora.

Posted by: esf at January 13, 2007 04:58 PM

did pandora like to be spanked?! Fuck, that's horrible. She was MY cat and I can't even remember. I remember you and I having some joke about some cat that liked to be spanked, but I thought it was Simon.

Let me go check...

........................

*tap* *tap*

........................

Nope, doesn't do a thing for her.

Posted by: eebmore at January 13, 2007 10:26 PM

eebmore, that's just sick. Get back to your cleaning.

Posted by: Kristine at January 14, 2007 10:33 PM

Simon does like to be spanked. the reason i know this is b/c i came home one day and you were spanking her. you claimed that you tried it out b/c Pandora liked it.

Posted by: esf at January 16, 2007 03:51 PM

haha. I like the way you've presented this: "I came home one day and... you claimed that...," as though you caught me in the middle of some dirty, depraved business.

Posted by: eebmore at January 16, 2007 04:00 PM

i just thought you should know that i dream of being an orion slave girl.

i was poison ivy for halloween- green beauties are beauties indeed.

Posted by: miss kendra at January 17, 2007 12:33 AM

I think this was a desperate cry from your cat just to be named.

Posted by: officewizard at January 17, 2007 11:34 AM

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